She's a little runaway

Imagine you're 18, just had a huge fight with your parents, and only have fifty bucks in your pocket. You don't know where you're going, but you're leaving this little podunk town and never coming back. You're tired of small towns and small minds. You're going to the big city to make your own way, and no one's going to stop you.

That, and you're going to eat a lot of churros.

Light-skinned Latina lard

I was confused at first, because this chunky chica was hangin' with the gringos. Though a quick view from behind exposed her true muffininity. Only a bangin' MexiMuff would cinch her shirt exactly so it would hug her back fat so perfectly. If she had worn normally fitting clothes, we would have no reason to wonder what horrors lie underneath that jean skirt.

Bonus for the bra-muff and exposed bra lace. Plus your tag's out. Dork.

Power walking

What's the term for when your gut protrudes out farther than your chest does? I imagine there's one for when your back fat hangs out farther than your boobs would, (if they were on your back).

Either way, these are just semantics for the good time had by all when they follow the crease that runs along the top of her FUPA and the bottom of her muffin top. That's some lingo I can get behind.

Comments, questions, submiciones?  muff@mexicanmuffintops.com

That's how you can tell the age of trees, you know

Surely each ring cannot represent a year in this slovenly senorita's life. Mayhaps they are marks of each terrible personal health choice. The black ones might be a chalupa and a decision not to take the stairs. The aqua stripes might be a more serious choice. Something like a Sunday afternoon at Country Time Buffet followed by a nap on a third-hand futon in a den that's been converted to sleep eight.

email me your submiciones at muff@mexicanmuffintops.com

Yes, tucking that shirt in is a good idea.

One thing we have yet to explore is how MexiMuffs feed their young. One would imagine some sort of blender with store-brand Doritos, cheap orange soda, and jelly beans. Throw it in the microwave, put a nipple on the bottle, and the nino stops crying.

The nutriçion of a Mexiboob must be relatively decent, because most Mexikids aren't nearly as grossly overweight in the back fat area as their mothers. Perhaps there is a hidden nipple on each roll, much like a nursing pig.

We can only wonder. Until one of them flashes me, anyways.

Whatchu lookin' at, MexiMuff?

It looks like MexiMuffs are catching on to the appearance of my van in their neighborhood. This one chica must have been wondering why I was idling on the side of a busy highway outside the bus stops, with my van rhythmically swaying as if there were a stiff breeze.  There was a stiff something, though.  That I guarantee.

Look, if she doesn't want me slowly following her as she goes about her day, stop wearing tight shirts and having a greasy Mexican pompadour. Good luck turning me in to the cops. There's a reason my plate says "Licesonso applicado por" when I go on my sloppy seniorita safaris.

This user submiçione is from "Edwardo":



Muchos, muchos gracias to Edwardo for capturing this Holy Grail of MexiMuff hunting. WalMart is rolling back prices just as fast as these two are rolling up their shirts to display gorgeous South-of-the-border plop.

Another spectaculár first is the fanny-pack muff on the mother. She has given up on wearing traditional pantalones, opting for the "sweat" variety instead.

So, she can't use pockets, is too gordo for a purse to fit around her torso, yet she'll roll on a skin-tight stretchy halter top with HORIZONTAL STRIPES for Jesus' sake.

God bless these people.



Also, enjoy the butt-gut, and almost a camel toe muff on the niña.

The rolls on the Muff go round and round

It seems that many MexiMuffs are stuck in the 80s.  When else would tucking shirts in to pink jean shorts with no belt, sporting nappy pompadours, and riding the bus be cool?

I apologize for the focus.  I had to get a better look at that bush in the foreground in order not to make a mess in my MexiMuff-huntin' van.  Pink jean shorts and pock-marked thighs have an effect on me.

eMailos

Sometimes Muff is confused when he gets a message like this at muff@mexicanmuffintops.com:

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from : federico cervantes <fcervantes@mac.com>
to: muff@mexicanmuffintops.com
date: Thu, Sep 18, 2008 at 10:14 AM

subject: What a fag, taking pictures of unbeknownst women. I'm sure someone has a picture of you on a site featuring punks that would bitch out and take it up the ass in jail. Sorry your daddy touched you when you were a kid, but you don't have to make fun of other people.

Sent with Wireless Sync from Verizon Wireless

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The jokes on you, Federico! I just registered punksthatwouldbitchoutandtakeituptheassinjail.com, and plan on making a tidy sum displaying my self portraits.

Plus, I don't understand how you think I am making fun of the cornucopia of latinas who make terrible nutrition and fashion choices. If you read what it says on the right, this is a "celebracion!" of these females. Don't hate the playa, yo!

This user submicione is from "Todd":



Kudos to Todd for embracing the Hunter S. Thompson style of MexiMuff hunting, where you actually insert yourself in to the capturing of a terribly-dressed Mexican fatty.

To quote Dr. Thompson,

"There is nothing more helpless and irresponsible than a man in the depths of an MexiMuff binge."

Fitting that cows are the mascot of this particular company.

Let's do some translatin'

You may think that "ponditat" is some kind of Mexican word for cheap, Jimmy Carter-built tract housing, but you'd be wrong.  It's a group that goes around installing koi ponds.  No mierda.

I don't know if this mini-muff is into Japanese gardens, colorful fish, or tranquility.  She is into tight shirts, flat buttocks, and 2nd helpings, that's for sure.

More user submiciones, this from a camera phone in the Orange County, CA area code:

Some might think that being a nurse is a thankless job, but there are many perks.  This MexiMuff, for instance, gets to drink all the sucrose solution she wants.  It's sweet, non-filling, and attracts bees.  All good things.

Quite honestly, this muff blows me away.  This is more of a mushroom cloud than a muffin top.  If you had dropped this on Hiroshima, the place wouldn't be radioactive, but certainly no food would be growing.

This may also be our first sighting of a "lower muff", also known as a "FUPA", or "Fat Upper Pu$$y Area".  Sorry for the foul language folks, but I'm trying to appeal to the kids.

Muffin tops by the case

Another beautiful user submicione, this time from "Kristy":

Very quality quad-muff stack. The exposed bra straps and tube top makes my esperma tingle.  If you look very closely, (at your own peril), you can see a horizontal butt-muff on her left cheek.  Praise the lord for unfortunately-sized pink capri pants.

We can't get a super-high resolution closeup, as this was likely taken with a picture phone, iPhone, or, hopefully, a cheap Mexican knock-off.

 

Keep feeding my appetite: muff@mexicanmuffintops.com

Of course there's a bottle in her purse

On a hot summer's day, does the part of her shirt that that is trapped between fat folds feel grounded?  Like the kid who is punished for hitting his sister or not taking out the trash, these folds of fabric can only lament that they aren't enjoying a nice day like the rest of the shirt fabric.

In case you are curious if this is a caucasian muffin top, trust me that those highlights and light skin belie a truly tubby seniorita. 

Oh, and it sucks that certain parts of her shirt have to get so sweaty, yet we cannot see the delicioso moisture.

Save a horse, ride a Muff

With such a luxurious mane, this MexiMuff had better watch out for all the Mexican cowboys.  One look at this back fat spillover would have any vaquero hoppin' to go.

I'm sure you could lure her in to your stable with a nice bag of oats.  Or maybe a dozen churros.

Her shirt says "I enjoy expressionist art", but her MexiMuff and deep, bulbous buttocks say, "You call that super-sized?"

This photo would make Edvard Munch cringe in terror. Personally, I think this reveals the origin of the expressionist movement. Fat chicks were wearing normal looking print shirts, but they became all stretched and distorted on their muffiny frames. Thus, an artistic movement was born.




Here's a bonus shot for those of you who can't get enough existential angst:



Your submisiones: muff@mexicanmuffintops.com

1,2,3,4: These are pants sizes you can't wear any more!

Personally, I think it's awesome that she's got her own personal cheerleaders. Some MexiMuffs don't have enough willpower to choke down the last scoop of mashed plantains. They need encouragement.

I kid you not when I say this photo was taken outside of an all-you-care-to-eat family "cafetería". True to title, she brought the family. I don't know if my see-through-shirted seniorita is much of an eater, though.

j/k, LOL :)



Who's that calling on your cell phone?

No one. You broke it.

e-buzon (that's Mexican for e-mail)

In case you all weren't aware, I did an entrevista (Mexican for "interview") on The Kevin and Bean Show on KROQ Los Angeles this week.  The audio can be found here.

Here are some seleciones from recent e-messages I received at muff@mexicanmuffintops.com:

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from xxxxxx@yahoo.com
to muff@mexicanmuffintops.com
subject Heard you on KROQ

Ok well first of all, are you sure they are all Mexican? Not Salvadorean or Guatemalan or some other place in Central or South America.

Seriously you sound so ignorant. How can you categorize all brown people as Mexican?
Its like me saying all white folks are Trailer trash when they are not.

I'm a Mexican chick and I happen not to be a muffin top. Your comments did pick a nerve on me, not all Mexican women look like that, you generalized a population by the few ignorant people that don't know any better. The people that you took a picture off happened to be in the minority where they make minimum wage, therefore are unable to distinguish from good taste and bad taste. Yes there are Muffin tops in all cultures and countries, but for you just to put them in one group because your ignorant ass assumes they are Mexican because they are brown is just wrong. 

I hope you put a disclaimer somewhere in your website that states that they may not all be Mexican but because you are to dumb to tell them apart you are just making an ass of yourself for assuming it.

Peace out
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Unfortunately, reading what Mexicans write is sometimes as difficult as listening to them speak.  My solution for dealing with a Mexican when she comes up to me trying to sell Chicklets and off-market Tweety Bird dolls is usually to just stare at their muffin top sloshing out of their mega-tight jeans, licking my lips until she walks off.

My solucion to reading this email is to imagine the chica in a tight blue halter top with a three-roll muff bulging out the back, and a small gut hanging over a thin white belt redundantly holding up a skin-tight pair of black jean shorts.

Yeah, that's working real good.

muff@mexicanmuffintops.com

Baby's got back(s)

I am solidly impressed by this quad-stacked muff.  Who says that being 45 pounds overweight means you can't wear skin-tight sleeveless tops?  Not I, that's for sure.

You can totally tell that she's the maverick of the family, too.  Her Mom has some sense of "decency", and wears properly-fitting clothes.  Her nino is too young to have gorged herself gordita . . . yet.  She just goes nucking futs and squeezes queso out of every crease you could possibly imagine.

Total bonus on the cut-off jeans, too.  

I don't know who the non-union Mexican equivalent of Daisey Dukes is, but this chick has definitely got to be in the running.

Beware the fatsquatch

The bigfoot those guys in Georgia claimed to have found turned out to be a fake, but I believe these blurry photos close the case for good.

No human could have a regular muffin top, a triple bra-top, and some sort of weird dent and additional fat roll in the middle of their back.

Whatever this creature is, it has learned how to blend in by wearing a skin-tight shirt and roaming the parking lots of Mexican grocery stores.  These beasts may be smarter than we feared . . .